GREAT BEND, Kan. - The Kansas House of Representatives today voted 79-44 to require preparation of a State Land and Property Inventory by Aug, 30, compilation of market values for each item by Nov. 30, and liquidation proposals by Jauary 31. The budget shortfall is that bad.
I come from an auctioneer family. So I hope you can forgive me a little literary license as I envision the highlights of the "State of Kansas Auction: Sell our Past for Our Childrens' Future," auction, to be held next Winter.
One can almost hear the auctioneer, kicking off the auction: "Our first item on the sale bill is the famous John Brown Mural located at the Kansas Statehouse. This priceless John Steuart Curry Mural can be safely removed from the wall and preserved for safekeeping and private display. Who would start the bidding at Ten Million Dollars?"
"...Next item: Cheyenne Bottoms Fish and Game Refuge! A Wetland of International Importance! Everything must go! Swampland, equipment, geese, ducks, pelicans, whooping cranes. Excellent purchase for a private hunting and fishing club. Who'd give Ten Million to start the bidding?"
"....The Kansas State Historical Society has been raided for this auction. How many of you are old enough to recall the Clutter murders and the classic book and movie "In Cold Blood?" Who would give $500,000 for choice: the hangman's noose used to put Perry Smith to death, or the hangman's noose on which Hickock met his demise? This priceless murderabilia is a once in a lifetime chance! We are selling our past to ensure our childrens' future."
"....Next, one of the crown jewels of our state education system: We are selling The University of Kansas. Everything must go! Buildings, land, even historic Allen Fieldhouse! Could be converted to private university, or even a theme park. Who would give ONE HUNDRED MILLION to start?"
"....Next, highway K-10! This A-rated highway can be converted into a private toll road between KC and Lawrence! A once in a lifetime investment opportunity. Who'd give $50 million to start the bidding?"
"....As we wrap up this auction, I would like to thank the Koch Brothers, Phil Ruffin and all of the billionaires who came from the four corners of the world to bid on our great state. To those who could not afford to bid, don't panic. You can use these facilities on the terms dictated by these purchasers! Privatization works, my friends. And thanks to my bid catchers: Rep. MikeO'Neal, Rep. Kevin Yoder, and Rep. Arlen Sigfreid."
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